The Pirate's Tale
by Nakhti
Summary: The narrator has a bit of trouble getting Inigo's story off to a start...so he enlists a little help from his friends. A parody of errors.


This is my first fanfic published on the net. It's a silly little scene, but I'd love to hear your comments!

EDIT: Well I tried to make it more clear who is talking, so it hopefully won't confuse people anymore. Unfortunately with this STUPID editing programme, square brackets don't come out anymore, so you'll just have to imagine the narrator goes into square brackets instead of parentheses when he does the stage directions.

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The Pirate's Tale

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VOICEOVER: _Once upon a time, after the other first once upon a time which happened sometime in the backstory of this tale, there- Oh yeah, there was this guy, he was Spanish I think, and he had six fingers- no, wait, that was the other guy, the one with the sword of his dead father who he had killed. But that happened in the backstory of the backstory of this tale, so anyway-_

FEZZIK: Hey! Narrator!

NARRATOR: _What!_

FEZZIK:You're making a terrible job of this story! Inigo will no be 'appy!

NARRATOR: _What does he care? He hasn't been sober since the last film!_

FEZZIK:Yeah, but he paid you to make him look good. You're supposed to be telling everyone what a great pirate Roberts he made.

NARRATOR: _But he was awful at it! As soon as he found the rum he lost his ship! Literally. He anchored it off shore, went for a drink, and forgot where he'd parked it!_

FEZZIK:Leave him alone, he has a very complicated character profile.

NARRATOR: _Unlike you, you big brainless brute!_

FEZZIK: That's just mean. I can't help the way I was written. But as this is a spin-off, anything goes. And I know who can tell the story.

NARRATOR: _Oh really? Let me guess, it's a secondary character from the original screenplay, who will make an interesting creative vehicle for the development of under-explored plot threads?_

FEZZIK: I don't know what you just said, but I thought, since he only had a very small part before, we could ask the impressive clergyman to-

NARRATOR: _NO! ha, um. no. I think maybe Vizzini would be better._

FEZZIK: But Vizzini is dead.

NARRATOR: _Hello? Spin-off?_

FEZZIK: You're right, I'll go get another magic pill from Miracle Max. If we do it off screen, no one will realise we re-used the gag.

NARRATOR: _So what do I do?_

FEZZIK: Someone still needs to do the location descriptions and stage directions. Its not much, but at least you'd be in the credits.

NARRATOR: _Great. I'll just go and bludgeon my agent to death_

FEZZIK: Hey, you should join the Brute Squad!

(Somewhere in a generic medieval kingdom: A tavern -God, this is so demeaning)

VIZZINI: **The Spaniard was drunk, and moreover, he was very drunk. He was drunk because he was drinking, and he was drinking, because he was drunk. Now everyone knows that Spaniards are lazy, and lazy men find excuses. As being drunk is an excuse for everything, Spaniards are always drunk. Inigo was very drunk, because he was a very typical Spaniard. And it was typical that he was dr-**

FEZZIK: Hey, I think we should get the impressive clergyman back.

(So do I)

FEZZIK: I forgot how boring Vizzini is.

(I think we should kill him off)

FEZZIK: I think so. I'll go find a big rock.

(A gothic cathedral: shot on location)

IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN: **Deawy bewuved, we are gawered herw today to telw da tayaw ov da Dwed Piwate Woberts. He bwavwy sayawed awound da worwd, steawing pwunder and became wewy wich-**

FEZZIK: I don't think he's gonna work out either.

(He's worse than the Sicilian)

FEZZIK: Who else do we know?

(An idyllic farmstead: romantic sunset backdrop)

PRINCESS BUTTERCUP: **He was a noble man, courageous and true, destined to wander the earth seeking his lost love. She was a young, faithful maiden, pure of heart and free in spirit. But no matter what occurred he would always come for her, because they were joined by the bonds of love that no man could ever break, not with a thousand swords. Not with the fire of a million suns could their faith be destroyed. There was no peril they could not overcome, as long as they had each other. They would be together for ever on their adventures, braving the world shielded by the strength of their all consuming-**

FEZZIK: If I have to listen to much more of this, I think I might throw up.

(Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!)

FEZZIK: I don't know how he puts up with it.

(Well, she does have superb breasts)

FEZZIK: Well this isn't working. We need someone who can make Inigo seem exciting and dangerous.

(I think I have just the guy...)

(A spooky hollow: atmospheric smoke)

ALBINO: **It was a dark night. A mist hung over the land like a deathly shroud as the figure stepped out into the blackness. His heart was bitter, his hands quick and his sword deadly as a curse. There were dangerous things lurking about in the forest of thieves, and he was the worst of them all. The Dread Pirate Roberts.**

FEZZIK: This sounds promising.

(Shh!)

ALBINO: **His malevolent mouth contorted into a sneer, and he glared out of his one fiendish eye-**

(I didn't know Inigo had lost an eye?)

FEZZIKl I don't remember that either.

ALBINO: **-as he hobbled along on his peg leg-**

(PEG LEG!)

FEZZIK: It doesn't sound like Inigo.

ALBINO: **His long red beard was plaited with the bones of his victims, and he spoke with a lisp, for he had only three teeth in his head-**

FEZZIK: It's not Inigo. I think maybe I jogged the Albino's memory a little too hard last time.

(We're never going to get anywhere at this rate. Why don't we just get Inigo to tell the story himself?)

FEZZIK: I guess it could work, if we can get him conscious.

(You drag him off the bar. I'll fill a bucket)

(Rustic tavern: interior)

INIGO: **My name is Inigo Montoya. You spilled my lager- Perpare to DIE!**

(Forget it, forget it! We'll do another Rom-Com)

FEZZIK: I hate it when he gets his lines wrong.

(Inigo-briated again!)

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End file.
